Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
