I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
