why do cheetos always look like penises
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
