lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize
