I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
