He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
