Your mouth is God's brothel.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Drunk is a universal language darling
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