I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
