umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
