I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
