fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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