I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
