Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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