i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
