Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
