The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
