At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
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