WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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