so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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