i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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