i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
