we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
