Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
