dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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