I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
