you traded sex for a burrito?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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