Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
