the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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