just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm gonna fight the coyote
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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