I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Sex in the backyard? Check.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
