dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
