My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
