Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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