Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
