My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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