I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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