hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
