I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Randomize
