After last night, I could never be a politician.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
