Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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