we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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