youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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