the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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