Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
