YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Let's get the cat blown out
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
