I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
