nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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