Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
