WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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