I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
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